Over the last couple of months, I have been reading books, journaling and really learning and understanding my grief in a deeper level. A few books I have read have suggested writing monthly/yearly letters to your loved one. So, I thought id give it ago, some people may find this strange but its quite a nice healing process and I think anyone grieving should give this ago.
Its been just over 10 years since you fell to the bathroom floor and took your last breath.
In the first year it felt so wrong to carry on living life without you around but me, Danielle, Sue Sue, Lauren and Sadie adjusted to our new normal and became the Ward/East household but here we are 10 years on missing you more than ever.
Mum, losing you was the biggest shock of our lives and not a day goes by where I wish it was a dream and you’d just walk through the door. I have even dreamt about that moment many times over the years, you just being there in person to hug. We have never been affectionate family but if I could turn back time id hug you ever night before bed.
I just want to say thank you for always having my back and being a best friend not only my mum. I always had drama in school and you always had my back, I remember you driving up to the school gates to pick me up to make sure I was safe, and when Danielle and Lauren had drama you would always be there fighting all of our corners. People used to say ‘oh look your mums involved’ but that was because we told you everything, even our friends told you everything. So, this is just a little sorry if we ever stressed you our during our high school years.
Life’s been tough without you mum, every big life event, every Christmas, every birthday always feels like something is missing and that’s you. I know you’re with us in spirit but it makes me sad that you weren’t there to see me graduate, to drop me at the airport when I travelled the world, to hold Danielle’s hand when she was in labour and to watch your first grandchild start school.
I’m so angry that we didn’t get to tell you how much we love you or say goodbye while you could hear us but I think if we could have prepared for losing you it would have been even tougher. Losing you really affected so many people. Your funeral had over 400 people attend, we got had the best night at the wake. Honestly, you’d have been impressed with how drunk everyone was, we really did celebrate you the way you would have partied up Farleigh.
Since you left us, I got my GCSE’S and A Levels and an architecture degree…bet you would never have expected that. At 18 I moved half way across the country to Bristol, where I grew as a person and really grew up. After graduating I finally travelled the world like id always dreamed off, I can only really thank you for that opportunity. Yes, I’d rather you be here and not done it but if I was going to use the money you left us it was going to be seeing the world and making incredible memories. Every day I done something new like jump out of a plane or bungee jump or hike for 6 hours I always wished I could just face time you and tell you. Traveling really did make me face my grief as I had a lot of time to think and just apricate life for what it is.
Sue sue kept her promise and looked after me and Danielle, she has a lot of knickers to wash and 4 hormonal teenagers to look after. She had tears over boyfriends, showering our sick off us drunk, to running a hotel every time we all decide to go home for the weekend. You owe her big time! I would say Lauren learnt to handle her drink but that would be a lie haha, but you’d be super proud she brought her first house and now has started her own little family with bailey the pup and Kier. I think you’d like Kier a lot he would defo sink some vodkas with you. Sade’s has a pretty tough few year’s but now she’s smashing and loving her new job as an estate agent and finally moved out (Sue Sue can’t finally have some quiet time after 10 years of carnage). Danielle is living by the seaside being the best mum to your first grandchild.
Honestly mum the one thing you’d be most proud of is our little lils…honestly Danielle made you the perfect grandchild. She has a laugh like you, she’s an attitude, she has the funniest personality and she’s the fussiest eater just like me. We make sure she knows who her nanny in the sky is and we take her to ‘nanny’s garden’ where she will ask questions about you. This was hard to hear at first ‘what happened to nanny’ ‘why is nanny in the garden’ but it also warms my heart and allows us to tell lily how amazing you was. She started school last month and is already impressing suesue with her sounds and reading. You’d be so proud of Lils and Danielle right now, making a strong little mother and daughter unit.
We miss you mum but will all continue to make you proud and I promise I will make sure people never forget how great you were.
Love Emma xx